THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize