I need to stop coming to work sober
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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