Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
