what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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