i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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