I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
