I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
