I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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