I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize