I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
