Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
