did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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