my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
