i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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