don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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