oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Let's get the cat blown out
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
