There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
