wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
