STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
