My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize