Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
