So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
