I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
