I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
