Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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