Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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