i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
