my being single is dangerous.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
