Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize