Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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