I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
