please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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