She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
