We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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