this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
