walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
