Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
