It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
