Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
