Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
