I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Welp...herpes.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
