I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize