You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
