i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
