you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
