I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
