You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize