We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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