I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
