She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize