Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize