checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
