____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
