I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
