so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When are your genitals available?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
