my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
