Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
