So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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