So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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