Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
