I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
