Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
