a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
