i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
