then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
