i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
